Now that we have seen how much importance Islam has accorded to marriage and marital life you would perhaps ask, "How do we select a s...
Are Pre-Marital contacts Necessary?
Ali Akber Mazaheri writes:"The notion that a man and a woman must 'know' each other before they decide to marry, so that they may then be able to live happily together is an illusion. Had there been any element of truth and validity in this, the divorce and separation rates in societies which practice it would not have shown a steady rise. Similarly, the marriages which take place without such pre-marital contacts would not have been known to last happily.
Ref: Youth and Spouse Selection, Ali Akber Mazaheri
The Shariah permits the intended spouses to see each other for the purpose of selection and also permits asking and giving opinions if asked (without it being considered as gheebat under certain conditions.
We should never resort to deceive the opposite party or conceal a defect during the selection process. Such things can have serious ramifications if exposed after marriage
The school of Ahle-Bait (a.s.) has not left us to follow our whims and fancies. We have been taught the best method of selecting a suitable spouse. The most important criterion is piety or religiousness.
- Religiousness: The person who does not have religion, does not have anything. Knowing the human weakness for beauty and wealth, the Messenger of Allah (s.a.w.s.) has forewarned, "A man who marries a woman for the sake of her wealth, Allah leaves him in his own condition, and one who marries her (only) for her beauty, will find in her (things) which he dislikes (unpleasing manners) and Allah will gather up all these things for one who marries her for the sake of her faith (religiousness. Wasaelush Shia, Vol. 14, p. 31
- Good Nature: Imam Reza (a.s.) wrote in reply to a person who had asked him if it was advisable to marry his daughter to a person known for his ill nature, "If he is ill-natured (bad tempered), don't marry your daughter to him." Ref:Youth and Spouse Selection, Ali Akbar Mazaheri, p. 151
- Compatibility:A man questioned the Prophet of Islam (s.a.w.s.), "Whom must we marry?" He replied, "The suitable (matches).""Who are the suitable matches The Prophet (s.a.) responded, "Some of the faithfuls are match for others.Ref:Youth and Spouse Selection, Ali Akbar Mazaheri, p. 175Imam Sadiq (a.s.) said, "An intelligent and wise woman must not be matched except with a sage and wise man." Youth and Spouse Selection, Ali Akbar Mazaheri, p. 178
- Decent Family:The Messenger of Allah (s.a.w.s.) has given great emphasis on taking into consideration a good family background when we intend to marry.He said, "Marry in the lap of a decent family, since the semen and the genes have effect.Makaremul AkhlaqThe Holy Prophet (s.a.w.s.) also said, "Look very carefully and minutely as to where you are placing your child because genes and hereditary qualities are transferred in a concealed and unintentional way and have their effect." Wasaelush Shia, Vol. 14, p. 56
- Reason:The Commander of the Faithful, 'Ali (a.s.) strongly forbade marrying a foolish and insane person. "Avoid marrying a stupid woman, since her company is a woe (distress) and her children too get wasted." Wasaelush Shia, Vol. 14, p. 56
- Physical and Mental Health:Though religiousness and piety are most important, it does not mean that we totally disregard the physical appearance and beauty of the prospective spouse.
The Holy Prophet (s.a.w.s.) says, "When one intends to marry a woman, he should ask about her hair, just as he asks about her face (beauty), since the hair is one of the two beauties (of women)." Beharul Anwaar, Vol. 103, p. 237
Unislamic Customs
Many other unislamic customs have crept into the marriage ceremony of some Muslims. These customs are either borrowed from non-Muslim cultures or continue because they are established in past generations. One must avoid them if they are against the Shariah, even if some people are displeased. Other customs like the breaking of coconut etc. also do not feature among the Islamic rituals. All actions, customs.etc. which show disrespect to Islam or weaken the importance of Islam have to be avoided.
Haraam Acts:Some of the rituals in marriage ceremonies are absolutely haraam like the playing of music. It is also haram for ladies to go for mixed gatherings without proper hijab. Such things invite divine wrath and take away the blessings of this auspicious occasion.
Permission of the Bride-to-be/Father:The girl's consent is necessary and has to be taken by her representative, directly. In case of a virgin/spinster the father's or the grandfather's permission is also necessary. However if the permission is unreasonably withheld under some conditions or the girl has no father/paternal grandfather it is not necessary. However, a woman who is not a virgin, does not require any permission in case of remarriage.
Time of Marriage Ceremony: Though basically marriage is allowed at all times, there are some days on which marriage is not
recommended; some of these are based on ahadith and some on cultural, historical reasons.
Generally, we can categorize these days into three: (a) There are some ahadith which say that it is makruh (not recommended) to have a marriage ceremony on the days when the moon is in the constellation of Scorpio (this is known as al-qamar fil aqrab or qamar dar aqrab), during the last two or three days of the lunar months, and on Wednesdays. (b) There are certain days of the Islamic calendar which have become associated with the early events of the Islamic history; for example, the 10th of Muharram is the day of mourning for the massacre at Karbala or the day of the Prophet's death in Safar, etc. Since such days are commemorated by the Muslims as days of mourning, it is socially and, to some extent, religiously not recommended to have a marriage ceremony on such days. Ref:Marriage and Morals in Islam, Sayyid Muhammad Rizvi
The Shia Ithna Ashari (Twelver Shias), especially in India and Pakistan, rarely perform marriage ceremony between the 1st of Muharram and the 8th of Rabi al-Awwal as this period includes the mourning days of Muharram culminating in the martyrdom of Imam Askari (a.s.). The 9th Rabi al-Awwal is celebrated as Eid-e-Zahra.
If there is a need, however, Nikah, can be performed at any time.
The Importance of Helping one's wife at home
One day the Messenger of Allah (s.a.w.s.) paid a visit to the house of Ali and Fatemah (a.s.). He saw that Ali (a.s.) was sieving the pulses and Fatemah (s.a.) was busy cooking. On observing this the Prophet (s.a.) remarked, "O Ali, I do not speak except what is revealed to me. Anyone who helps his wife in her domestic affairs obtains a reward of one year of worship equal to the amount of hair on his body. This year of worship will be as if he has fasted during its days and prayed during its nights. Allah will reward him equal to the reward of all the patient ones, Hazrat Dawood (a.s.) and Hazrat Isa (a.s.)." Jamius Sa'daat, vol. 2, p. 142
Imam Reza (a.s.) says, "Every man should strive to make his wife and children comfortable according to his capacity for if he is strict and unkind to them and because their rights are being deprived they will desire his death.Wasaelush Shia, Shaykh Hurre Amili
Stricture Against Foul Language
The Holy Prophet (s.a.w.s.) said, "Any woman who converses indignantly with her husband, thereby hurting his sentiments, none of her deeds either obligatory or recommended will be accepted from her until and unless her husband does not express his satisfaction with her. Even if this woman fasts during the days, prays during the nights, frees slaves or donates the best of horses in the way of Allah, she will be first to enter the fire of hell. Similar will be the fate of the husband who usurps the rights of his wife.Makaremul Akhlaq
Imam Sadiq (a.s.) says that a group of people paid a visit to the Messenger of Islam and said, "O Prophet of Allah, we have seen such people who prostrate before each other." The Holy Prophet (s.a.w.s.) answered, "If at all I could permit prostration before anyone except Allah, the Creator, I would have ordered the wives to prostrate before their husbands." Makaremul Akhlaq, Op. cit.
Decency and Privacy
The Prophet and the Imams have emphasized that when you engage in sexual intercourse, make sure that no child (or, for that matter, any other person) sees you or hears you. Abu Basir quotes Imam Ja'far as-Sadiq (a.s.) as follows, "Be careful not to have sex with your wife while a child can see you. The Prophet used to dislike this (attitude) very strongly." Wasaelush Shia, vol. 14, p. 94-95
The Islamic way of life not only assures happiness and satisfaction of an individual but the society as a whole benefits by implementing the laws of Shariah. Since the society consists of families and families come into being by matrimonial relationships it is necessary that this basic unit of society is properly understood and protected from all that threatens its existence.
